I felt so strong, so proud of myself. I was finally figuring out how I want to live my life. And I told you about it. But you said I wasn’t strong. You said I was running away from my fears.
And now I don’t know what to do. And I don’t know what to think or how to live anymore. I’m so confused and upset and mixed up. It all changed so quickly. It’s hard to comprehend. I don’t know who to go to. I don’t have you like I did. And I don’t really have any close friends. I’ve never felt like I’ve had my family. I don’t even know if I want anyone at this point. Or deserve to have anyone. Nothing seems right anymore.
I don’t know who I love or who I trust. I can’t even trust myself anymore. I honestly can’t really find a reason for why I am here. I don’t find anything to make sense, and I don’t want to do anything. I have no drive. I’m not determined to do anything really. Just smoke fucking weed all day. Graduation is only a few months away and I’m not even considering college. I wish I was like some of the people I know. They have plans for life. But me, no. I’m just going with the flow like a dumbass. But shit doesn’t get done like that. I’m just setting myself up for an unsuccessful life. Ugh. I hate saying that though. It’s stupid.
All I want right now is to feel more pain.
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